Edit Journal Entry November 12, 2010

Last night was interesting. Hauk has been helping me with my Bloodthistle withdrawal. I knew this would not be easy when he said he would help me. I sometimes feel as if I am not strong enough to handle this. I have tried before and I ended up stabbing my sister. I warned Hauk of this but he wants to still help me. I even pushed him a bit and he still wouldn't leave my side. He wants to see me through this which I appreciate so much. He is such a great friend to me. He took me to the training dummies in Silvermoon to let out my aggression. It helped a little bit but I fought so hard that I think I passed out.

I had the strangest dream last night. Hauk and I were in Eversong by the water. He was saying the niecest things to me. He was saying everything I have ever hoped he would say to me. That he loved me and we could be together. We even kissed! It felt so real at first. My heart was so full of love and I have never felt better. Then something happened and I realized that it wasn't real. He tried to assure me that it was, and that I could go back there anytime I wanted to as long as I still consumed the Bloodthistle.

He would always love me in my drug induced world, in this fake place that I had made up. The idea was tempting. To finally have Hauk love me in return. I wish it was real. It never will be real. My heart has already started to move on, on to Andi. I have to fight this addiction that I have, it is no good for me. My addiction to Bloodthistle, as well as Hauk Fenshire. It isn't fair to Andi, I was honest with him about my feelings for another and he seemed upset but seemed to understand. My heart is sad this morning.

I awoke in Sunsword Spire. Hauk must have taken me there after I passed out. I woke up to the sound of the ocean. I left early this morning to go back home. I hope today is better with the withdrawal. Hauk seems to think it will get worse before it gets better. I am not looking forward to this...

Journal Entry September 28, 2010

 Tonight was strange. I wanted to be alone. I have been having this strange nagging feeling at me for days now. Things are happening. Bad things. My body is going through all of these changes. I just needed to be alone. I went for a ride through Eversong Woods. The breeze was beautiful and it was such a nice night. I was thinking of my mother again. Everything she did. I found the tree that Lelliel had talked about in her visions. I sat by it for a long time just thinking. I know this is going to sound odd but in a way I could feel her spirit with me. I wish I could communicate with her. I have so many questions for her. Why did she become a traitor to our people, why did she fall in love and have children with the enemy? Did she ever love the man that I had called father?

I just don't know what to think. I'm glad I cannot communicate with her, she would not want to know what I have to say to her. She hid so many things from me that I should have been told about. My heritage, her betrayal, I needed to know these things. I don't know how I would be today if I had known these things. Would I be different? I think I might be. I guess they were kept from me for a reason, I am who I am today because of what I didn't know. I became a Blood Knight because of my mother's death.

As I was thinking I came across a strange plant. I didn't even realize it was there but I must have brushed up against it. I got this strange feeling when it touched me. It's hard to explain, but one minute I was sad and then I was happy. I had no cares in the world. But just as soon as I felt the happiness it was suddenly gone and I was even more depressed than before. This is a strange plant indeed. I find myself wanting to touch it more though. The feeling of euphoira lasts for about 10 minutes or so I think, and then the depression sinks in. I find myself trying to find more and more of this plant. Luckily there seems to be a lot around Eversong. Maybe I will contact Galvan, I think I heard that he knew a lot about plants and the like.

Journal Entry October 5, 2010

Yesterday was an interesting day. I didn't feel well for most of the day. I hadn't even realized that it was because I had needed more of the Bloodthistle. My mind has not been the same since I started it, I find myself forgetting things more often now. I also find that when I do not take it, I get very irritable, sweaty, then cold, and the headaches are terrible. I snapped at my sister yesterday while this was happening. We worked it out. Some of the things I was saying to her were still true though. Sometimes what she says may not be what she means, this is true. But sometimes she makes it seem as if *she* is the only one that fights for the Horde, and she is the only one making sacrifices, whereas I am shedding as much blood as she in the name of the Horde and the Sin'Dorei! I have many scars to prove that I have fought well for our people.

Anyway this bloodthistle is strong indeed. I feel so euphoric when I take it, but then the low I feel when I need more is almost unbearable at times. It seems like I have to take more now to get the same effect. After Biara and I had that little fight, Sirian decided to take us out shopping which was a great idea. It really did help lift my mood up again! I also snuck some bloodthislte under my tongue while no one was watching me. I feel terrible that I am addicted to this drug, it wasn't even my fault! I didn't seek to feel this way, but now I feel as if I cannot stop. It feels too good when I take it, I do not want to give that up just yet. I still keep my secret, only one knows of it. I am ashamed that my body needs this drug. No one is to know, I know my source will not tell anyone for he doesn't want people to know that he is helping me.


On another bright note, we attacked the Alliance last night! It was so much fun. I needed that. We fought well against our many attackers. I took many down before I was knocked unconscious. *sighs happily*