Jounal Entry July 7, 2013

What is wrong with me? I am in love with Andi. I love him with all of my heart. Yet I cannot stop thinking of Tiandril. It started out so innocent. And then after the other night when we kissed, things have been different. I have been trying not to even see him like my sister had suggested. I have been staying close to home. I do not want to tempt myself. I already feel so guilty about what I did. If Andi were to find out, he would be furious. He cannot find out. I know I must at least find Tiandril just to talk. I need to make him understand that he cannot tell Andi. I know he respects my wishes but he HAS to know not to do that. It would hurt me and Andi and everyone. It is best to try to forget it ever happened. I will try to push my feelings down, and stay with Andi.

I DO love Andi, so this shouldn't be a hard thing to do. But why, why would Tiandril come back into my life? After all of these years. Just to make my life more complicated. Everything was going fine. I just need some time to clear my head. I need to think with my mind instead of my body. It is alright to be attracted to other people, but you do NOT act on it! Biara thinks that Andi will want to marry me and that would be great for both of our Houses. It will unite us. But it is more than a political move. I do love him.

Then why does it sound like I am trying to convince myself of this? Oh I don't know. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I feel like my heart is torn in two. One minute I am thinking of Andi and then the next Tiandril. Maybe it would be best to not see EITHER of them. I just feel like I finally found love in Andi, and then this happens. Everything was going great. We had been through so much together and we overcame it. My love live has not been simple by any means but it finally WAS. It finally was stable. I had even been drinking less!

Now I find myself either drinking at home or at the bar more. Trying to drown my sorrow and my feelings I suppose. It does help numb the feelings of guilt. I need to find Tiandril and talk to him, just talk. I will sneak out of the Spire. My sister cannot know, and of course Andi cannot know. I will return soon.

Journal Entry November 3, 2010

Andi has fallen under my spell. Well not a spell per se, but he is in love with me. I didn't even have to do much. I do not know if he would help me in my task of getting precious Alliance intel from him, but I can try. I think it might be too soon to ask these things of him now. I must be sure that he is totally in love with me before trying to get information from him.

He seems like such a pure soul. In some ways I feel bad for trying to corrupt him. I must better our people though and protect them from the Alliance. I have already caused a rift between him and his sister. He seems totally devoted to me for some reason. He would go against what his sister is telling him to be with me. I still find this strange. He says she sees good in me, I'm not sure if it is there. I have some some very terrible things in my life. Unforgiveable things. He accepts me for who I am though. He also doesn't seem to care that I have tried to kill his sister on many occasions. If someone tried to kill Biara I do not think I could even be friends with them, let alone start a relationship with them!

Andi does say the sweetest things to me though Journal! It makes me feel wonderful to hear those things. I do not get complimented often, so even if it is from a Kaldorei it warms my heart. I find my thoughts drifting to him throughout the day. I do not know why. Does this mean I am starting to feel something for him? I surely do not hope so! I will not become my mother. I will not repeat her mistakes. I will keep this purely professional. I will continue with my plan and not get attached!

Journal Entry November 4, 2010

My heart and mind are so confused right now. I spent the night with Andi under the stars again. Why does he make me feel this way? I set out to use him as a spy to get information from the Alliance and I end up having feelings for him? I of course didn't tell him my original plan, he would never forgive me. He said he loves me. I am not in love with him, but I care very deeply for him. I guess pretending to like him at first solidified my feelings for real? No one can know of this. Biara must still think I am following our plan. I will be branded a traitor before they even know the truth. That I could NEVER betray my people. I will NOT become my mother in that respect.

But why does history feel the need to repeat itself with a Sin'dorei falling in love with a Kaldorei? Why can't I just find another Sin'dorei that I could settle down with. Afterall I really just want to fall in love and be loved back. But if I really am falling in love with Andi, how can we ever be seen in public together? I would be shunned from Silvermoon. I do not know if I could handle that, I love that city so much. It is apart of me.

I am still very upset that my mother did what she did, but it's times like this when I wish she were still alive. I could tell her anything. She never judged me. She just listened to me, and tried to give me advice on what I should do. I cry as I write this because I do not know what to do. My heart is saying one thing and my brain is saying another. Which do I listen to? I'm trying so hard to do the right thing here. Andi is being very understanding. I am just so confused...

*There are some tear stains on the page*

Journal Entry November 6, 2010

I am very happy today. I hadn't been fighting for the past few weeks. I just didn't feel like myself. I had not fought well one night and it weighed heavily on my heart. My sister and some friends had to attack Redridge because the Alliance were attacking us so we had to retaliate. I decided to go with her because I didn't want her to get hurt. It turned out to be a glorious night though! My skills were better than ever, maybe the rest was just what I needed. We had Lore healing us which was a great thing too! I do not even remember all of the people that came with us but it was a very successful night indeed. Many Alliance died by our hands. I also saw Lune. We fought each other for much of the night. I wonder how Andi would feel about that.

Andi. My thoughts turn to him. I have not spoken with him since our night together the other night. We talked so much about so many things, and now nothing. I am not blaming him, I feel like maybe it was too intense and we both needed a break from speaking and seeing each other. We opened up our hearts to each other. That can be painful. I went to our spot in Eversong last night and just sat looking out at the ocean. It is so peaceful there. I could almost feel him there with me. I ended up falling asleep there from sheer exhaustion from my fighting.

I awoke renewed today. I feel more like my old self than I have in ages. I know Andi is very understanding but I do not know how he will handle me fighting with Lune last night. I did not know she would be there and I was quite surprised to see her though. It wasn't like I sought out to fight just her. Maybe I can talk to him later...

Journal Entry November 8, 2010

This weekend was filled with fighting. I relished in the feeling I got during battle. I missed it so. I am still on a high from how well we did. I also ran into some unfriendly Draenei yesterday. I flew to Kargath and was walking along when I saw Mariskka and Lelliel coming towards me. They surprised me since I had no idea why they were there. Mariskka claimed she "saw" that I was going to attack some dwarves or something. I think she just likes to spout lies. She also told me some disturbing things about my sister. She said she had visions about her and how she was going to become a cultist. I did not believe a word of it. I think she was trying to make a rift between me and Biara, but it didn't work! She even sent an elemental after me. That wench!

I did see something strange though. Lelliel had a darkness about her while I was fighting Mariskka. I found that rather odd. She said she still has the light but from what I saw it wasn't light at all. Also I fear they have found out about my bloodthistle addiction. Lelliel had taken out the plant and I could not take my eyes off of it. They noticed this and taunted me with it until I almost hit Lelliel again. They would not leave, but I got so angry. Velmara was also there with me healing me. She is a good friend. I know she still has some to learn in the way of healing but she did quite well. I'm glad I had someone on my side to fight against those two wenches!

On another note, I have not seen or heard from Andi in quite some time. I fear that he is not pleased with me. We had a nice night under the stars together but I have not heard from him since then. Have I done something wrong? I just wanted to be truthful with him about my feelings, I hope I did not upset him. I do not want to seem pushy so I will stay back until he contacts me. He will not be pleased to hear of my encounter with Mariskka and Lelliel, and about fighting his sister the other night too. I am almost afraid to tell him...

Kyli's Journal 5/20/2013

Oh Journal, I have missed you! I haven't had much time to write lately and I apologize for that. I haven't even told my sister what I am about to tell you! I think I will tell her though, I need to tell SOMEONE. I feel a mixture of feelings right now. Guilt, pleasure, lust.....what am I going to do? I love Andithiel more than words can say. I have not even thought of someone else until just yesterday. I have always been faithful, never even thought of doing something to jeapordize our relationship.

Why am I thinking these thoughts now then?

Someone from my past met up with me yesterday by chance. Tiandril Sunsilk. I hadn't known him long in Blood Knight training, but he left quite an impression on me. He quit training for no reason, and I hadn't seen him again since.....until yesterday. Now I can't seem to get him out of my head. I feel so guilty even thinking the thoughts I'm thinking when I'm with Andi. Will Andi be able to notice a change in my behavior? Will I be able to push away my feelings for Ti? As long as I don't see him I think I will be ok. I had a crush on him in training, and he apparently had one on me as well, but then he had left so suddenly. I had put him out of my mind. Figuring that since he left he had no feelings for me and then I had forgotten about him.

But since meeting again yesterday, his feelings are clearly as strong as ever. This troubles me because he seems like he will not stop with his advances. I do not know how strong my will power can be. Is it possible to be in love with two people? Or is what I am feeling for Tiandril just lust and will fade away just like it has in the past?

Either way I feel like I must see Andi. To just remind myself that he is my true love. I just feel so guilty and nothing even happend! Oh well...I hope everything will be ok.