Jounal Entry July 7, 2013

What is wrong with me? I am in love with Andi. I love him with all of my heart. Yet I cannot stop thinking of Tiandril. It started out so innocent. And then after the other night when we kissed, things have been different. I have been trying not to even see him like my sister had suggested. I have been staying close to home. I do not want to tempt myself. I already feel so guilty about what I did. If Andi were to find out, he would be furious. He cannot find out. I know I must at least find Tiandril just to talk. I need to make him understand that he cannot tell Andi. I know he respects my wishes but he HAS to know not to do that. It would hurt me and Andi and everyone. It is best to try to forget it ever happened. I will try to push my feelings down, and stay with Andi.

I DO love Andi, so this shouldn't be a hard thing to do. But why, why would Tiandril come back into my life? After all of these years. Just to make my life more complicated. Everything was going fine. I just need some time to clear my head. I need to think with my mind instead of my body. It is alright to be attracted to other people, but you do NOT act on it! Biara thinks that Andi will want to marry me and that would be great for both of our Houses. It will unite us. But it is more than a political move. I do love him.

Then why does it sound like I am trying to convince myself of this? Oh I don't know. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I feel like my heart is torn in two. One minute I am thinking of Andi and then the next Tiandril. Maybe it would be best to not see EITHER of them. I just feel like I finally found love in Andi, and then this happens. Everything was going great. We had been through so much together and we overcame it. My love live has not been simple by any means but it finally WAS. It finally was stable. I had even been drinking less!

Now I find myself either drinking at home or at the bar more. Trying to drown my sorrow and my feelings I suppose. It does help numb the feelings of guilt. I need to find Tiandril and talk to him, just talk. I will sneak out of the Spire. My sister cannot know, and of course Andi cannot know. I will return soon.