Journal Entry late September 9, 2010

 I don't usually write two journal entries in one day but I had to talk to someone. I have no one to talk to right now. My heart is in shambles yet again. I feel like this is starting to become a common place thing for me. Why do I not deserve to be happy? Am I not worthy of love? I am a thing to be used and thrown away when they are done with me. I just.....I don't know what to do. There IS nothing to do. I just want to love someone and have them return my love. Did I love Sirian? I do not know. I cared for him deeply, but was it love, or just lust? I know I feel terrible pain right now though. I knew that spell was a bad idea, Biara had warned me and I in turn warned Sirian. He wouldn't listen to me. He wanted to forget his wife. I couldn't bear to see that sadness in his eyes so I went through with the spell. The spell that eventually tore us apart.

Maybe I should just be alone for a while. It seems like there is one bad thing that happens after another for me. When will it end? I cannot take much more. To find out about my past, and my mother, that was almost too much to bear. It still doesn't seem real. It doesn't make sense. I am not who everyone thinks I am. I am not who "I" think I am. I do not know who or what I am. No one could ever love me. How could they? I am tainted. Maybe they have sensed that, maybe that is the true problem. There is no way to cleanse myself of this taint though. I must live with it. Live with this secret or tell everyone and risk shame. Risk losing my home. Risk losing my sister and dear friends. How could they accept me? I don't even want to accept me.

I think I will go get a drink, and drown my sorrows. I do not want to feel right now. I don't care what I feel, I just wish to feel nothing...