Journal Entry September 15, 2010

Last night was, eventful. I am feeling so many emotions right now I do not even know where to begin. I met with Sirian, or Hush. I believe he was Hush for the beginning of our encounter, he was being quite mean to me but I was upset so I didn't care. I wanted to kill him at first, and he knew this. Then he manipulated me. He wanted me to say that I had loved Sirian, but that was not true, I never loved him, cared for him yes but not love. He took that moment to tell me that I would say Hauk's name in my sleep. I did not know this! Yes I know that Hauk is always in my heart but my head also knows that I will never have him. I know he is in love with Redessa and I do not wish to come between that. My heart is not persuaded as easily as my head though. I was hoping that Sirian could take my mind off of Hauk, and let me love another. We were not given as much time though since Hush was created. I think maybe Sirian was starting to love me but he knew that I could not give my heart openly to him and that is partly why he left me. Or it could have been Hush that left me.

Now that is a whole other story. Hush was created by Biara and now he believes her to be a mother figure! My head hurts from all of this! He tried to hurt her the other night so I do not understand. I think he didn't really mean to hurt her because from what Sirian told me she created him so she can destroy him. I will have to work with Biara to find a way to destroy Hush once and for all and let Sirian live his life how he wants to. Not be conflicted by these two personalities anymore. Just be him.

Sirian was talking to me at the end of our encounter. I felt great sadness and guilt at this. He knew the whole time that I loved Hauk, and he still went after me. I apologized to him and he said he goaded me into it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I forget about Hauk, well not forget , but I wish that I could stop loving him. I will never have a normal relationship if I still love him. I have hurt Sirian because of this and in turn many of my friends do not care for him. I also helped create Hush because I helped him with the spell. Yes Biara created the spell itself but I enacted it! My guilt is tremendous today and I do not know how to allieve it.